songanddancegirl

what i did on my summer vacation

my family entered the bowels of the earth  everyday

there we sat with the  evicerate+radiated  like  Santo Sebastian

via  Frida Kahlo   run thru   +thru        +thru

 

 

this did not kill them  it beatified them   but as soft as you make your

eyes   you still see  the youths wasting  on stretchers  clutching cellphones

when what they need is    Excalibur  to  fight the fight

 

 

the bald children  the damp bandages  at the throat  the inhabitants

of this gated community  look at us with hungered eyes   all are starving

for burgers +fries   +lifeforce    a rare delicacy in these parts

 

 

but they cannot tell which one of us  is  the  anointed  one  soon to lay

on the zapping tablet   when they think it is me  i see pity  when they think

it is him  i see pity for me   ie., the hand i am holding   severed

 

i am thoroughly pitified   +that pity sinks into my  pores  so banish notions

of  luck   it doesn’t exist   yer just grist fer the mill   but NOT anymore!  when

you stop believing in luck   it all becomes   a wonderful life

 

 

my summer holiday was riddled with awe  cancer

it was a fucking bloody  revolution  revelation

__

Summer 2024  ..oh so memorable..i will never forget it..🖤

 

(un)happy *little boy day

there’s a folder beside my bed filled with

RADIATION IS NOT FOR DUMMIES

pamphlets:

 

Radiation+Anti-Oxidants

Caring for Burns

Eating Tips for Sore Mouth

 

sadly no pamphlet addresses  The Return:

How to Return to Life After The Cancer Shit-Show

How Not to Feel Like an Alien Amidst the Un-Cancered

How Not to Pretend This Didn’t Happen

 

too bad they didn’t drop helpful pamphlets from the sky

on Nagasaki+Hiroshima   for the burningthirsty masses

in the radiate-apocalypse   79 yrs ago  today

 

 

nowadays radiation is used for good  and held over the world’s

head  by chubby boymen +a short Russian madman  with a bear fetish

perhaps soon  these poems will be filled with  the scent of baking bread

 

daffodils  +sunshine   my meditation gurus tell me (actually beat me

over the head with rarified aphorisms: BE HERE NOW!   uh huh

and please do give me a couple of weeks to return to my  former self

 

the one who had a brisket+cookie making mother  in Paris gowns

+chignon   i may need some time to locate that self  +restore her

radiatedsoul  put lubiderm on her invisible burns + hollowed out   braincavity

 

 

hey  have you ever heard of

sympathetic pregnancy?

ie., Couvade Syndrome  i hereby coin the term

APE’S SYNDROME:  faux effects of deep brain tumours

+ high dose radiatio  on loved ones 💥💥💥

 

can i get an exorcism?

__

*..August 6th 1945  U.S. drops a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima+Nagasaki..70,000 die

instantly..70,000 more within days..along with melted eyes +baked potatoes  a hard

black rain falls for days..

__

..wish u were here..🖤🖤  Summer 2024..be gone..

up up and away🚀

arriving at the Princess Margaret Cancer Hospital  is like

arriving at the airport  cabs buses luggage  cops directing traffic

a sea of suffering

 

but  HOPE  floats   it puts a spring in their step  some getting

ready for  LIFT OFF   the great  BEAM UP   the Maker waiting

with:  burncream+gravol   +new bladders

 

 

others are on the great conveyor belt  out of the mouths of the

True Beam Varian God Machines  into  the LIFE  they pray beg

+crawl  towards

 

Day 1: You have a rare brain tumour Sir

Day 115: We have never seen a chordoma recur

with 39 visits to the  Varian Monster   You are free to go Sir!  

 

 

Go?  Go!  Go where?  what will we do every day at 3:30?  will we miss

our radiation community?  Jill Grace Steve  and the crusted over nurse?

but then   after the  GONG of the drum   reverberate done

 

 

the 10,000 things await   the reasons why the crowds assemble here in the

first place  for  one more once  for  trees  jazz  smashburgers  pie   but  WHY?

the little old lady stumbles to her Varian  bent  broken?  she still wants MORE

 

 

of living in the midst of  mutating cells  wells of grief  extravagant births  bloody

LOUD    i’m here motherfuckers  now get those filthy forceps off of me

yesterday  i heard a small child crying in his Varian  it sounded like  strangehope

__

..my mother (actually) believed in God..

Summer 2024  ..14 more..🚀🚀..go Scotty go💖💖

The Rising

1st monarch heading to Mexico  early no?  sun setting

earlier too   nadir?  dénouement?   Mr. Mason  a strapping

vice principal  with shoepolish in his hair  taught  nadir

 

in the nadir of his career  he chalked a mountain on the board

+pointed to the downward slope  as shoepolish dripped   father

bitch slapped him a couple of years later

 

shoepolish+mansweat on his hand  his own nadir  nearing

 

CG Jung famously said  that the climb down is equally as manifique

as the strident up  what’s true too  is that sometimes you dont know

which side is up   you’ve been down so long   up is mired

 

 

just remember on the path to enlightenment  the dung beetle foments

your own nadir now here  in the temple beautiful  where a purification rite

is underway  and a radiologist named Jill  fingers the ankh

 

 

and prepares your husband for the afterlife  the life after this descent

into the pit of hell   where people sit in damp blue gowns   sans body parts

he lays like Tut   on the tablet    temples on fire

 

 

gold urns glimmer  +your freshly dead mother hovers   preparing the

alchemical mikvah   from whose depths he will emerge   in 16 days

mangered + resurrect

 

__

 

Summer 2024     ..C’mon up..    Beam Off..

food glorious food what is there more handsome!

i sit in front of the  BEAM ON  sign  as husband

is beamed up  the hallways are busy  yesterday a

man on a damp stretcher  beside a woman with    patches of green hair

 

she is  HUNGRY  they all are  when you flirt with

death   and think each supper is  THE LAST SUPPER

you genuflect before  burgers

 

 

these are discussed by the ravenous  for LIFE  +just

the plain  bloody hungry for more   please sir can i have

some more?  

 

i want french fries with saltpepper +gravy   + a burger!

cries the emaciated man  now levitating off of his stretcher  👼

yet  i remain  steadfastly  NOT HUNGRY

 

 

what can this mean?  i revulse at their animal instincts

at their will  to live  FOREVER  i watch my arms  hangingskin thin

at this point  even a bear   would spat me out

 

call me Ishmael

__

Summer 2024    ..each day..another brick in the wall..

she’s got eyes of the bluest skies

they let the kids watch movies

and they don’t want to get off

the table!

 

the under 3’s are  sedated

 

the under 3’s ??

__

…many are broken by the weight..a few..are not..

Summer 2024   ..summer radiation machinations.. at the Princess Margaret..💥💥

mirror mirror

every morning i gaze into a round magnifying mirror

i gave to my mother  months before she died   she’d hide

the mirror daily   fearing her staff would steal her soul

 

along with the mirror  cutlery  +clothes

the detritus of a life  given away at the

side of the road

 

 

we’d search for that mirror each remaining day  and find it

reflecting our hands   holding each other’s fingers  tight

forever entwined     our fingers knew first

 

of the coming  severing

searching for each other

with growing desperation

 

 

knowing our days were numbered  she said

it’s coming  be strong   i walked her to the edge

the brink staring back   gnashing  gnarly  black

 

now we meet in the mirror  many times a day

vain my middle name !  she watches me age  and

suffer  the current apocalypse

 

 

she whispers  apes  you can get used to anything  

you’ll learn how to bare the flagellate  the thorns 

now poking into son-in-law’s skull

 

 

things so dark  i sometimes forget  which side of

the mirror  i am on   her eyes shine brightest now

to light my path  thru these wretched days

 

 

then the mirror

spits me out

mothered

 

 

and i can carry

it all  for at least

another day

 

or two

__

Summer 2024  ..home stretch..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ground Control To Major Cam

commencing countdown engines  ON    everyday

my husband travels to another land   through a

portal over on Murray St.

 

brainzap  skull luminous  beam on💥

 

 

i had an evil uncle by that name  right out of Dickens

Murray  a scrooge of a man  now a scourge has taken Major Cam

to a land  where metastatic mystics +low born dwarves  toil

 

over the philosopher’s stone   one day upon his return

he said:  the globes are made of glass+crystal   fragile

beauty   i will wrest from the hands of  King Chordoma 

 

 

a kind of mutant overlord who visits the anointed  1 in 1

million  each year   i’ve been collecting skulls for millennia

and i have never seen a leonine masterpiece  the likes of yours

 

 

so take your protein pills  +put your helmet on  this is a

strange ride   dubious   radioactive   +oppenheimer   the

mystics say  with much certainty  this gnarly Scot  is here

 

to stay

__

 

Summer of Cam  2024 🦁🦁

 

BEAM ON BEAM OFF💥💥

there’s a light  a special kind of light

on Murray St.  a place where 76,000

souls are beamed up annually

 

is this what God envisioned?  when

he boomed  LET THERE BE LIGHT

or was he referring to

 

a shard of light  aimed at the naked

apeman  to cathect consciousness

out of the murk

 

 

to the smirk of mystics everywhere

why wake the beast up?  leave him

to squat in caves  unfissoned +unwashed

__

Nina tripping the light fantastic…

Summer 2024    ..come and trip it as ye go..on the light fantastic toe..

(1632  John Milton)

his name is Verst and he is funky

my childhood bestie  a standard poodle named Blackie

father at his most creative  other times he would feign

getting dressed  as he was coming home  (u figure that one out!)

 

Blackie was regal  and quite Russian  with his tall poodle

hat   i named him  Verst  not  Verscht  though he loved a

good salami

verst is an obsolete Russian unit of length  so much of life

now obsolete  the bodies of our father mother brother  the

bones of  Verst  the poodle

 

when Verst died  father baked him into muffins  and fed

the holy wafers to us at the side door  the milkman’s door

the one through which mother  gave a slovenly bulldog away

 

the one through which the milkman crept   into the house

in the wee hours    and left his smile  on a brother’s face

__

 

Summer 2024  ..all hail Verst Blacksonovitch..