songanddancegirl

i did it my way

my portuguese housecleaner  shrugs each week

+with eyes existential  she says:  it’s a life   vasco

+unafraid  she stands at the precipice of yet another

expedition into the BIG unclean

hermione lee   virginia wolf’s biographer  makes a

similar observation  how to distill a life?  how to begin?

was virginia  just  an insane incest survivor  who would

suicide at 59?

hermione  an oxford don  +maria   have much in common

pragmatically speaking   a life is a face   virginia’s:  cartoonishly

long    deep hooded eyes   reeking of skinless vulnerability

with loads of black humour about the lips

a face made for walking into   a river

My brother’s face   all square jawed symmetry   darkeyes

steely with war  defends against love  against father’s excision

pre-birth  +without anesthetic   can u see the cancer?    no

but yes  to bravado   yes  to chain-smoking cigarras

and yes  prick him +he bleeds   profusely

square jaw  belies the fester of a wounded dear   it’s a life

no river   no stones in pockets   a different pyre   days of:

bentley  camel-coated   with a small island in the caribbean

named for him    prodigál       these days long over

his sperm donor  riddled with the cancer  too

the streets he walked  now covered in a fine white dust  with blue

bonemeal  gritty on the skin  in the wind  where without caution i

scattered him   previously with stealth+creeping  i visited a mound

at a school

and dug

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Fall  2019

untoothsomegrin

i carry a little tooth  in a bag  and it

ain’t cute  only 200 bucks!  said my

dentist as he handed it to me   while

in his mind’s eye  dreams of the good don julio    danced

it is small+jagged  with fauxpinkgums attached

take it on vacation!  said dentist blared  and

through my benzostupor  also prolonged chatter

re: elton john  for 3 hrs   upside down

his hands  with knife poised above me  like

the butcher of bathurst manor   but u know

i shouldn’t complain  one of my bros carried

a bag of a different kind

eviscerated and chemical

he wore black gloves

to his grave

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Some people find they can lead an almost normal life during chemotherapy.

Just as long as they remember to wash their hands frequently after taking

their gloves off.   (Canadian Cancer Society, 2019)

FALL 2019  ..here’s to gumming the worm..

jesus was a jesus freak

forgiveness

a work in progress?

some people believe  and these

specimens are the ones who have

never had to forgive high crimes +

misdemeanours  yet they rave on

they will tell u forgiveness is linear

it is not  but they also know jesus

better than u do

Carlos (my painter): i only wanted to live until 33  when jesus died

a blank stare

Carlos: jesus!  u know jesus!

yes i have heard of jesus  carlos

forgiveness is a circle  uroboric+snakeswallowed  eating itself +u

anyone who imagines it a slamdunk

has never fallen into someone else’s wound

all festering +quicksand

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Fall 2019  .. she who sleeps with snakes..

rockmysoul

wildchild of the forest  hunting+being hunted

by the boy who murders his mother  purdonfarm

murderballads  murderous rages  angina festered

festooned with 67 heartstitches

stem to stern  (they’ll carve me from stem to stern)

father lamented  pre  bypass-interruptus   much later

underbelly rages  still very much alive   burst forth in

the daughter of the goal oriented brother (my ass)

insidious+masturbatory   i.e.., jettisoning connections

pouncing with moneyed teeth  as in: i own u bitch

i am the richest one of all   mirror mirror on the wall

how can i look at myself at all?    no longer rocking

in the bosom of abe ape

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i did mean that in some vague way we are the same person,

not separate people.  francesleemartymeharmanjason .

Virginia Woolf  The Waves  1931

Fall  2019  ..i seem to have misplaced the m and the y  in my name..in addition to a limb..and a brother..

girlyman/manlygirl

some people wish i were

a full time man  enough of

this whishywashy girlyman

shit

u can’t have it both ways ape!

this is not a chosenstate  manly

girls  not the chosenpeople  rather

a hybridization   a bastardization

or maybe just intellectual masturbation!

probably

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(hey bob   i don’t break   i’m just broken   in)

Fall  2019

August 16/1969  in autograph book from Lee:

..to the greatest little filly of them all..

then sue came along loved me strong

solitaryman

solitarywoeman

solitaryconfinement

all are fine with me

father a ramblingamblinman  a solitaryman

silence is golden  no fools approaching  other

than the holy fools seeking out his train

so don’t ask me about my day   or tell me to

smile   i don’t perform for the honky amusements

+ i defy u gods   don’t mess with me

i cannot see

the forest for

the trees wokefolks

+ a heaven peopled

with yap

is the styx to me

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Fall  2019