songanddancegirl

follow your cbd

 

was a time when bliss was free  and we

were joseph cambelled  up the ying

following bliss was de rigueur  but the

no exit signs made it treacherous

 

if u lived in bliss  wouldn’t that be akin

to  infancy  lunacy  headfuckery   this

search for happiness has got to  STOP 

 

soma didn’t work so well in huxley   the

brave new world   a place where   the one

un soma-ed man  the savage   hangs himself

 

is  cbd  the new soma?  how badly do u wanna

be sedated?  be all stepford wife with dead eyes?

husband #3 keeps asking me: what’s your limit?

 

the simple answer is:

the night weasels do not know from limits

__

 

 

Fall 2019  ..bring on 5779 bitches..

*the only beings whose life is irremediably and achingly linked to happiness

all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is

unhappy in its own way   so said leo tolstoy  in anna k

 

happiness   shiny   rosy   boring   fleeting

were we one?   yes   as long as we kept

our parent’s demons in separate rooms

 

our brother’s outsized wound   revisited on

the son  who has 2 sons  +will be searching

for his father in their eyes  under beds  on giant

waves  which do not wash away  the original sin

 

we were never boring!  ignoring all the signs that

one day we’d be pressed together in hallways  fathers

dying on gurneys   but also in dining rooms going through

motions   we think:  this is what happy families do

 

but the porch light is out  maybe we’re in the wrong house

who are these happyfuckers who vaguely resemble me?  

 

we are a richly textured  unhappyfamily   who once went on a

holiday  and a small turd floated above a swimming brother

on lake nipissing

__

 

 

Fall 2019

*(Giorgio Agamben, Moyen sans fins)

the ghost of marty joad

in a hospital    again

just a little posttraumaticstress

last time grim reaper  reaping

my bro

 

but u know  today is the first day

of year 5779   and it is time to let go

of the no way home show  because

 

the only way home is through  the

martycrucible   so today he is right

beside me   smiling and telling me stories

 

about  everysinglefuckingperson  he ever

met  and i am ecstatic!   healed   risen

and ready to be first

__

 

 

 

Waiting for when the last shall be first

and the first shall be last

In a cardboard box ‘neath the underpass

got a one-way ticket to the promised land

(Bruce Springsteen  Ghost of Tom Joad)

 

Fall 2019  ..bye..florida hellholes..

 

scar tissue

 

my mother bears the jaggedscar with grace?

she always said: i was too stupid to be bothered  shattered

so i was   in her place   with a scar that has informed my life

 

also taught: it hurts to be pretty

 

prosthesis prometheus bound  it’s the giant beautybird pecking

at girllivers   and the livers regenerate daily   like our doubts   but

one day soon i will lift my mother’s scar off of my chest

 

+jump a train from a bridge    (yes i can)  

+set a bonfire of $3000 worth  of MAC  love me 💄  red

the chemicals could kill the dolphins  i aim to befriend 💋

 

disfigured transformed reborn

__

 

 

 

Fall 2019  ..for kelly bourne atkins .. run with it sister!..

 

 

where my brother is not

in a body

in a bed

in a rancid hospice

 

in an oven  (careful what u ask for)

 

sitting beside me with that goofy smile

sitting beside me fuming ‘cause:

 

YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME APE!

 

which was kind of true

but I’m listening now

 

 

 

to crickets

__

 

 

FALL 2019          ..come back..

 

 

 

 

great magical city of the gandharves

a giant named ray

read whitman

at the edge

big sur   circa   1987

 

dragged home to freezing city

+bathurst st. moribundis   road to

hell  paved with bagels+flaccidjews

 

bros sent a chopper to SF   worried

about  strange agitators of the heart

+ the shrink feeding california dreamers

medical LSD

 

today a pitstop for fish+chips  with old

mother  then to airport   I’ll be in taos

by morn

 

NOT

__

 

yet..

 

 

 

 

 

FALL 2019  ..letting go of the rope tied to the giant rock..

 

i’m lost among the strange agitators of the heart

we centre it all by swigging from the bottle  sobbing

through the fucking bed cribs  (San Francisco  Jay Farrar)

 

 

rhinestone cowgirl

open road

 

1st book peppered with

going home

as if

 

recent events bring fresh

evidence  of road closures

+mudslides  mexicancartelhell

 

(thank god bro didn’t die in mexico)

 

final 3rd

need dynamite to blast thru

other people’s fantasies  of what

i should be  a Phd?    boring!  

a man?   already am   sort of

 

their bullshitpits  filled with their

father’s sins  glorified  sanctified

turning him into  saintmew   a pet

name

 

dynamite  for  blood

coagulated chains

__

 

there’s been a load of comprimisin

on the road to my horizon  but i’m

gonna be where the lights are shinin

on me    (Rhinestone Cowboy ) 

 

 

 

Fall  2019

 

 

turtle purgatory

feb 23rd 1972  was the first date anniversary

of meeting teenaged husband   in those days

we had: real men  + real news    45 yrs. later it

becomes the anniversary of bros cancersurgery

 

friday sept. 13th another anniversary   first in a

series of flights into seamy florida nights   where

u stand outside the filthyhospice waiting for a cab

 

please take me back to the oasis   where turtles

spawn under bar stools  +redneck children bite

your other brother  and the waiter from jersey looks

like a cross between   sinatra + beelzebub

 

no you are not dreaming

__

 

 

 

Fall 2019  ..end of this wretched year..

swine

so busy being free  no time to decipher

the vacancy  of dying eyes  is she dead

or alive?   or just almost dead?   am i?

 

freedom is hard work   driving to the

airport  regularly   staring at the names

of places on my list:

 

oxford mississippi

taos

heaven (better than the alternative my obygyny said)

san fran

lafayette looziana

 

now back in the car   forgot to pack the blo-dryer

and later that night  trapped inside of the giant

SEPHORA    trapped inside of me

 

oh so  unfree   but please don’t tell anybody

leonard+joni fly by  lovers in 65    but she was

too much woman for him

 

depressed jew-bu

me too

minus the bu

 

he called her mrs. beethoven   i’ve recently been

called worse  can u believe that someone actually

disparaged my inner child? !!   now that takes some

imagination  alongside a penchant for casting swine

before the pearls

__

 

things i’ve been called:

peaches

cougar

ape

evil loser   (sticks+stones eh)

 

 

Fall 2019  ..casting pearls before the swine..

 

A quotation from Matthew 7:6 in Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount:

“Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine,

lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.”

sisyphus was no sissy

 

slipped through the hole in a barbed wire fence

trying to escape    herstory    but she keeps on

finding me   i need a witness protection program

and a vacay

 

bearing witness is a slippery business  slide straight

into the swamp  or dangle from a rope lowered into

the belly of the beast    watch out sissy! 

 

the beast:

gingerish hair

known to talk to ghosts

heart a shriven totem

of brotherly love

 

just carry a garlic clove  embrace him!

+he will be transformed into a smallish toad

ooops   now quickly gobbled by our bulldog

soon to be dungbeetle dysentery

__

 

..these hard thoughts  this envy  this bitterness  

make no lodgement   in me ..  i dash and sprinkle

myself with the bright waters of childhood .. but the

chained beast stamps and stamps on the shore..

(Virginia Woolf  The Waves  1931)

__

 

Summer 2019  ..be gone..