songanddancegirl

i want to be the doll with the most cake

i lost my driver’s license today  on a covidwalk

license proofpositive  i am  real   must carry i.d.

or carted to the gulag  where stern cops pull yer

teeth    mid-gnash

 

war measures lead to government measuring  of skulls

only way to identify u  in makeshift morgues  (no daffodils as promised  pre covid 19)

Faulkner’s  as i lay dying  is a de rigueur read   addie bundren’s

coffin  is hauled across america    +she is lost in

the mighty mississippi

 

last night in a fevered dream: i am  a ratty+naked barbie

hairclumped+rasta   i am in someone’s hand   plastic   with smooth privates

but who i ask u  isn’t feeling trapped  +barely human?

 

today my lawyer told me: it’s not fraud if no one actually  understands

how to procure the gov’t aid money!  (and no one does..)   SHOW ME THE MONEY!  

pierre elliot’s kid   he of the goatee   looking like a salt+peppered

dybbuk   all snakeoil+limp

 

much like relations with husband #3   after 26 days in  covidcaptivity

i asked him recently: it’s hard being human  isn’t it?   his answer:

i don’t know  that’s all i’ve ever been   +there is the rub

no clouds of glory trailing    just meat +potatoes

+malarky

__

 

 

 

COVIDSPRING  2020  ..hands up if u think a scot can be full of malarky?..

ship o fools

in the old days they used to gather

the holy fools  onto ships  and cast them   adrift

now the ships of virusfolks are receiving

the same treatment  just like the jews

when  none was too many  sent back to

perish in camps  +ravines   (*see babi yar)

 

today cathal kelly sportswriter  @enough about you

comes to the following conclusion after losing

a neighbour’s dog:

 

..no crisis can change our societal baseline..

that people you don’t know  not only will

help you  but want very badly to do that..

 

hey cathal  what if bayonets were pointed

at the  helpful strangers  u glorify  and u had

a yellow star on your chest +backside?   (so they could shoot u coming+going)

what then?

 

for starters  your neighbour’s dog would be

on the bayonet’s tip  roasted on a spit   which

leads to the next question:

 

am i more afraid of the little spiky covid killers  or nazis??

__

 

* Babi Yar: a ravine where 33,000

jews were shot in one sitting  and buried..

dead+alive.. (150,000 in total)

 

Spring 2020  ..Godspeed John Prine..

..covid 19 attempting to murder him.. and his bride..

shotfullofholes like bonnie parker

before

 

borrowing what’s left of my ego  on loan

for 6+ decades  for the uninitiated this can

feel like vampirism in reverse   cannabalism is never pretty  and it hurts to be pretty

she always said this  as hairbrush raked

through lush curls  tearing at knots   100 lashes

 

years later with a mute client  of a mute mother   who ran away

her sessions consisted of: her sitting on my lap   brush my hair  therapist

she stopped coming when funding ran out  shaved her head   as i am about to?

 

loaning your ego  is blood suck  incubusoverload   devoured by

the wounded  moats with gators in ’em  are good in these instances

suckers want your strength  want to live inside u   u the host  ess

with the most  ess     (in yiddish ess is eat…duh!)

 

one night in a posh hotel  in a picaresque town  where trinkets abound

in the dead of night  in your twin doubles  u awaken

to a persistent pressure at the edges of your previously  permeable boundary

 

+there stands the childhood creature   hairy+black

a bit mother-ish  a bit hagfromhell-ish  pressing  keening

let me in!  your house is  whole  holy   mine is  leaking  

shot full of holes    and i’m cold too  

__

 

after

Bonnie Parker Barrows  Poet+Bankrobber

 

 

SPRING 2020  ..resurrection around the corner..and if u believe that..

i have a piece of land    in florida..

goingviral

a man in overalls sneezed wet  as my bro

+ i walked by  trying to maintain proper

social distancing  he lumbered near

+on a whim i spat at him  whereupon

my bro used the billybat father had   given him

 

war measures act defunct  as citizens

take covid into own hands  what 10 things

will u do when covid ends   my own list full

of  tepidbluster  +digression  a covidfog setting in?

 

(1)

hunt the deathhawk stalking our family   +crapping all over the balcony

(2)

smash the latch on old mother’s cage

been inside for 40 days  exodus up  bathurst st.

not pretty  most won’t make it   to sea-hi

where chinese food is the new  manna

 

they stand with their begging bowls   please sir  a bit of pork?  some suey?

but i digress

 

(3)

get an elvis cut   because the beauty

jig is up?  red hairball catches covid   as strident hair artist extorts u

more digression   i guess there’s really

only one thing to do after a pandemic   (your first is always intense)

 

get your fingers into the folds of skin

working the leathery hide off of ribs

being in a body is highly overrated  and always has been

except for about 5 seconds  at 18

 

when like a young god u prepare  to begin      (the beguine?)

maybe that’s what the song means

u glistening  with no  might have beens

 

recently a youthful individual said to me:

i don’t want to have regrets

as mrs death pissed in a circle around his  naivety

 

regrets   the rude remnants  of other people’s dreams?

if u were supposed to have it all   u woulda     coulda shoulda

now u r  free    what the fuckelse do u wanna be?

 

but i digress

__

 

Spring Equinox  2020

visiting hours are over

repatriate my ego  gone girl  gone

jettisoned by late 50’s  decade of

preparations for the long sleeeep

creep of a reaper rubbing hands together

in a corner  fly undone

 

u need an ego to fight the fight

every 7 yr. old knows this  i can do it myself  

paws off me helpful people!    i.e. mum+dad

 

but most importantly  in these

virus days we must act as though

these are the   LASTDAYS

or the survival instinct  will not kick in

 

the one that propels us to gnaw off a  limb

the one that propels us to cover the mouths

of children crying on trains   some died of asphyxiation

 

on sunday we said good bye to our old

mum  95  now being kept alive by herring  + watery lasagna

but survive she will

 

because  in order to still be kicking + screaming   (at us)

she must be made of  montreal steel  like our departed

montreal brother  these people are indomitable

 

until they  are not

__

 

CovidWinter  2020

 

 

free anne frank

i’m thinking about anne a lot these days

at 13 i became enamoured of her  in a BIGWAY

i can still see her darkeyes + curly hair

i had those too  and i fought with my own

mother  like anne  over make-up  boys  +cigs!

 

but i didn’t have 3 other families living in my

house  which was 10x the size of anne’s attic

just navigating the vicissitudes of purdon dr.

was war enough  at times  otherwise a place   of love + giant dogs  +football

 

no ovens waiting  only promise  and so

much freedom  we squandered it  and still

had enough to take it lightly  shreds of freedom  the alchemist’s gold

the dung beetle’s dung   need i say more?   ok i’ll stop

__

 

CovidWinter  2020

..we celebrate the exodus in 2 weeks..hoping elijah will not be selfisolating..

 

he’s a lumbering ghost go know

 

everyone wants me to be finished with this

shiv the fatlady singer cause it clearly ain’t   over

let me sit with my slightly swollen bro  who

taught me how to love  the bed of nails   i traversed

everytime we met

 

he sat on my bed this morning  and said:

 

ape  cheer up!  if the virus takes ya  the bmw

i promised  is glinting  waiting  has your name

all over it  and the best thing is  everything here is   free!!!      including forgiveness!!

(impish grin lighting up greenland as i write)

__

 

What about my brother?

What about him?

We can’t just leave him here.

Yes we can.

(The Road  Cormac McCarthy  +AAC  2006/2020)

 

 

Coronawinter  2020    ..the road is long..

 

sohappytoday

 

so i just bought  so sad today  by melissa broder

poet and essayist   i wanna be an essayist too

so i bought bigger pieces of paper  for a start

melissa’s essays are really poems in disguise

 

and my poems are   you guessed!   essays in disguise

though mr. de montaigne  father of the essay  is doing

back flips  hey michel !   i live in a time when the human

attention span has been attenuated by twitter  mister

 

the titles and subjects i shall plumb  are not deep  some

are positively creepy  but i can goddamn guarantee u that

i will not rip off cormac mccarthy  as i am want to do   (paraphrasing  yes)

 

stay tuned for these upcoming  titles  themes  wetdreams  wanks:

my family is an outward bound destination

husband interruptus

brother interruptus

so happy

so strong

so flinty

so so

dear death i’m sorry we unfriended u

and so on

 

oh and:  only fear what can hurt u  (dante alighieri +sonny lee atkins at 8)

 

but the truth is that i hate big pieces of paper  cue cards

suit the brand of confessionallyconvulsive missives i treasure

so pull up your socks

and stop playing with yer virus

i need your full attention

__

 

 

Winter 2020

 

 

 

 

back away from the girl with the pen

the pen can get u arrested

sent to the gulag  of   bathurst manor

archipelago of the suburbanfathers

where money was worshipped  like

the god we never had   the god who

abandoned us   on the tracks

 

so mammon filled the void  +sometimes

on coldmornings  shame creeps in  when

i get into my 10 yr. old car  named for my  soul

and try to hold my head up

 

as i drive by caddy’s parked at the plaza  and

the harridangirls whispering behind fleshyfingers

she has one pair of shoes     shehasonepairofshoes  shehas

__

 

 

Winter  2020  ..for Lee..

life is not a read thru

 

there’s no drive thru either  buddy

u only get to do it  once  as u

without maps   only a compass

that points u deeper    inside

 

he who looks outside is a wanderer   exilelover

he who looks inside is homealone      alone of the alone

cause when yer big break comes +

yer heart’s not in it  outside will scream

 

losercowarddimwit

 

inside will scream

 

welcomehome

 

it’s okay to be scared  said the turtle

to the hare  slow+steady eh  because

whatever u do do  your later selves may

shit on u too

 

the medium  struggle is the message answer

+then u gotta get up  and do it again  and again   and again  motherfucker

until he shouts   FADE TO BLACK      JACK

__

 

 

 

Winter 2020  ..for sonny lee atkins.. braveheartedwarrior of the inside..