songanddancegirl

muted winter light fell through a window

do you need anything?

i need everything

i need it to be warmer

i need the palsy to resolve  stat!

i need no more stories  like the wife of our

insurance guy  rushed to hospital  diverticulitis itis

almost died

i need to stop being asked the same questions

because you cannot remember the answers  anyway

so my refrain: dunno  will grow  as loud as one hand

clapping

something is afoot

these days i sleep

in perpetual storm

__

Winter 2019  ..breathing through one nostril..i trudge..

death

fuck

death

..flesh is so frail it is hardly more than a dream..

Cormac McCarthy  Suttree  1979

Winter 2019   ..for my bros +kelly..

hellsbellspalsy

mouthdroop  eyemangle

a brother’s early morning visit  to emerg

where a palsy was discovered   and a file

notation made re: freakishly large  muscles

and brisketbreath  (in this case induced by

stress over prodigal son’s death)

sister with hearts-a-klupnisht  yiddish for: heart

that races  in face of  uncontrollable grief  here

broken-heart syndrome   *see harvard medical

review:  chest pain   palpitations   shortness of

breath

when i was 14  my burly big bro  carried me to the

car   +transported me to local hospital  for  atypical

strep   now at 62  atypical arrhythmia  over his death

i have 2 brothers left   and i am right to ponder the

words of my friend with a suicided brother  he said:

just pray you +your brothers die on the same day  

i now know why  and i am ready to make numerous deals

with the devil  so we can all get outta here  more or less  alive

__

Winter 2019

nothing without a woman or a girl

have you ever really watched men?

from a vantage point

couch  bed  field

have you ever noticed how they sit?

sprawl  spread

all nonchalant  kingified

every chair a throne

except sometimes the last chair or bed

if these have wheels

these wheeled chariots take a lot

out of a person

brave gladiators

going home

__

Winter 2019

love

fuck

love

__

winter 2019

hana’s suitcase+marty’s baggie

i’ve been thinking about the holocaust lately   a little more

than usual    wondering how people survived   and went

on with their lives after so much  brutality  depravity  genocide

it was not easy

in paper today  obit for george brady  90   hana’s brother  hana of

hana’s suitcase fame  murdered upon her arrival  alone at auschwitz

in the gas chamber  at 11   jiri (george)  her bro said: my sister had

gone to her death alone   i felt responsible   i was free but she was

dead

hana had a suitcase filled with her 11 yr old treasures   it’s famous

my bro had a plastic baggie (cell phone  wallet  watch  football ring)

which i am immortalizing here   he died of cancer  not genocide  but

isn’t cancer a kind of nazi?

ok remaining bros  you can stop rolling your eyes  i know you want me

to rise up   and turn a page

maybe one day   but right now i am stuck with feeling proud that i

shouted at a callous hospice nurse   she was shrieking at me to leave

the room  as my bro was dying of brainmangle   i was in florida  so i

stood my ground   if my brother is going to die now  he won’t die alone

so i watched

and now i’m thinking of jiri and hana  reunited  +running toward each other

__

hana’s suitcase   auschwitz museum

Winter 2019   ..marty’s baggie did not survive the war..

what family has no fool no felon no fisherman no real estate agent?

in mine there are 4 real estate agents   i probably

would have made a good one   except i don’t like

people enough   unless i am saving them   from

themselves

but i retired from the saving biz   at first i cried at

grocery stores a lot   altruisticmystic days over   a

new world with uncharted constellations  like mensa

musca  +marty   all in the southern hemisphere

imagine looking up at a brand new sky   dipperless

brotherless   no signposts  like those newghosts  gingerly

haunting sisters   reeking their newghost reek   earth +

burnt toast   formaldehyde +god

__

Winter 2019

ultrasoundblues

technician looked 13

squeakyclean

voice to match

think woody’s manhattan

i ask: how do my ovaries look?

(i know  too much info  bros stop reading now)

your ovaries?

yes  myfuckingovaries!

you don’t have ovaries    anymore

thunderous silence

__

Winter 2019

eyes wide open

in last night’s dream you opened your eyes  several

times  dead brother  this morning my shower light

flickered  i know it’s you martine  another bro has

assured me of weird electrical occurrences  i.e..,

poltergeists and dead relatives making contact

some people think i have gone starkers  but i no

longer care  dead philip roth said: old age is a massacre

i agree but in a good way  shredding wondergirl ego

so that eviscerated-crone  can breathe   +shout obscenities

at her dentist

o the freedom   the freedom

__

Winter 2019

on my back’s a 60 lb stone

i think that love is an amazing  vehicle   transports

you across eons   as in: i know where to find lee +

marty   one on a white horse with wings   the other

faking a pass  +running fast and hard   running away

from a future that spells death   by tonguebite    by

livermangle

but ultimately love is the rising   step right up!  ’cause

these 2 cowboys are still here   i just don’t have their

addresses anymore   brother can you spare  the

plane fare to buttfuck?

i’m on my way

__

Winter 2019