"It's about words, and words are all I have…"

songs for m.a.


















for marty.. incase the music sucks up there..

5 mths gone..spring equinox 2019..🌺💀

..i faced it all and i stood tall..i did it my way..













we never talked about your favourite

bands   but i wish we had   i doubt u

grooved to mick   u were too  old world



u did like zimmy


everything is broken  only mildly speaks

to the abyss opened since u left   i don’t

bleed everyday  just on sundays at 5  that’s

when we’d talk    (or u would!)


this pain  giving new meaning to  let it bleed


no one seems to have a tourniquet when

u really need one   but where would i tie it?

okay  so 2 tourniquets  one for my heart   the

other for my brain


and maybe a blindfold  for my inner eyes




Spring?  2019  ..5 pm Sunday..4 in buttfuck mexico..

no shorthaired yellowbellied son of tricky dicky

many of my fave people have been assassinated:

john lennon  tsar nicholas romanov   jfk   mlk   +

marie antoinette (she didn’t say  let them eat cake) 


i am also a shallow person who believes  that:

everyone  is  beautiful  when they are  young






late life is full  of greyhaired freaky people

spare me the truth   he knew not what he said

because he was  40  when






spring equinox  2019

..RIP John Lennon..

31 when he wrote the songs on imagine

he knew a young man’s truths..

All I want is the truth, just give me some truth
All I want is the truth, just give me some truth
All I want is the truth, just give me some truth..


old people are sick of truth

and don’t so much want lies

just a slow drip of morphine



next dream destination top secret mo fos

she speaks with her broken heart  full

of deadbirds banging up against ribcage

flowers grow at corners of lips   sugar



but there is a file on her desktop: escape

routes  beside a pic of deadbro who

escaped to mexico   almost


now it’s her turn  or the envygirls will

continue to go to the places she waxed

poetic   like when she had to cancel her

really BIG trip  at 50


the travel industry in new mexico  big sur

+florence  saw spikes  as the envy girls with

names like  anne + constance  rushed in to

fill the vacuum


her renegeddreams now blowing in the breeze

you flotsam bitches!  riding on her laurels  clutching

with your fingernails her redcurls +floral kerchief  an







Winter 2019

hellfires to melt an old crone’s heart

there will come a day when all talisman’s

are ripped to shreds  the hellhounds chew

through crucifixes too  lovingjuicybelievers

more than me and u


now u must come to rely on the beating heart

within  whether blackened or pure   but how

can that be at near 66   one more 6   and answer

all questions with questions


willie the shakes knew this too  this rough magic

i abjure  says the old sorcerer in the tempest   this

crone returned home  boxed all poppets  then hitched

a ride


destination is not that exotic  a heaven as far away

from bathurst st. as the hellhounds can fly   there a

terraced facility  where old mother is kept under

lock +key



His work lies all wheres and his hounds tire not.

I have seen them in a dream, slaverous and wild

and their eyes crazed with ravening for souls in this

world.  Fly them.

(Suttree.. final sentences..Cormac McCarthy  1979) 





winter/spring  2019

..beware of the ides of march..

and of the devil in general..


the roman festival at the ides of march (15th) involved

beating an old woman dressed in animal skins and perhaps

driving her from the city. The ritual may have been a new

year festival representing the expulsion of the old year.      Ya sure

of new brothers + fourth husbands

on pg 449   started this book as my bro

lay dying  it’s about a man living under a

bridge in knoxville tennessee  pure biblical

Cormac McCarthy:


Scorpion dust, frogpowder in sowsmilk. You’ll

shit through the eye of a needle at thirty paces.

Pieces of a dream unreeled down the back of his brain.

(Suttree  1979)


on friday in a bar  cute bartender named riley

asked if he could be my 4th husband   i’d made

an intro to husband #3  or is he #2?


cliches piling up as they are want to do after a few

don julio   now a strange quiet as i contemplate the

book’s end   what will become of me +riley +my sanity


it kept me alive   through fields of destruction   baptism of

new babybro  born in a shiva-house daydream  roundfaced

like the lostbro     but immortal   unhospiceable


our father standing by protectively  fathers can do these sorts

of things in dreams  they come unbidden  to hold your hand

and say things like: you’re the greatest little filly of ’em all girl






Winter 2019 .. here’s to eviscerated saints..and my new baby bro..

on ccccccourage

do i have less of it now?  used up  eaten

beaten down?  or is it not required from

this  squalid  point  on?


maybe fear is better for enlightenment

courage for endarkenment  plus a hearing aid

and a bullshit meter that works   finally immune

to snakeoiled charismatics   and guys who have

a chicken to pet


recently told my old mother her 1st born was

dead   tell me the last lionhearted thing u did


a sky full of stars can be tiresome  constellation

fatigue   mystery overload   as can talk about

courage be   which is not required at 3   unless

the dad has designs on u


at 63 courage is near meaningless

so will it be blind faith?  or no faith?

or blindpigs?









Winter 2019

you must go on

i can’t go on

i’ll go on

(Samuel Beckett ..who in order to write this

knew a thing or 2 about blindpigs..)

ooooh that smell

u faced it like

a soldier

u wanted it

brave and becrazed

with cancer


it bought u 18 mths

u wore the scar like

a beltofthorns

lower abdomen


with blackstitches





a 16 yr old latina

died in the

next room


we marched along


me beside u

holding tubes


another brother


pushing a chair

just incase


it wouldn’t have

been u to fall

but me


fainting dead away

what with the reek

smell that smell


no one lived as well

or as big

big bro

no matter what the score


u rode the bucking


all the way to mexico


where a girl named diabla

tried to get u to support

a small town in bosnia





Winter 2019

..neo bladder Feb. 23, 2017 for Martine..

a.k.a. Bladderman…who sits on his patio

smoking a stogie..watching the clouds go by

down in Mexico..miss u forever bro..


everything is irie


from a dream

in a hotel  recently

thought i was in another



next door to the room

where my bro lay dying

but still  ALIVE

which is what came  to mind


if i am in that other room  then

he hasn’t died!  my heart felt young

unsuffered   litepink  and free!


which i have waited too long to be


the 106 yr. old lady named Kitty  at

my mother’s retirement rez  is dead

family took her to Jamaica  where she

ditched this veil o’ tears


(well how long did you want her to live  mother snarled)


now Kitty is IRIE   +we are still

eating cheesecake

every tuesday

my old mother and i








Winter 2019 more that too much to ask?..






movedtocalipermanently  backin90


livedalone  inhighcliffs  atbigsur

fellforaguy  who microdosed



hadavision    where

a tall-yellow-house  leakingwater

became a barge-ark

+onit she escaped




ebbing in her bindings  languorous sea dream

looking up with eyes made huge by the water

at bellies of trout and the well of the rumpled 

world beyond   she rises  she rises

(Cormac McCarthy & AAC   Suttree  1979)





winter 2019 aprillresurrection..staytuned..

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