songanddancegirl

"It's about words, and words are all I have…"

marty when you gonna come back?

my brother’s ashes may appear at his wake  tomorrow

i say may as they have been MIA for one year  is it even

him in there?  who lies inside in that ornate box?  reeking

of crucifixion

 

Jesus  Marty when you gonna comeback?  been waiting

for your call  been setting aside 2.5 hrs to listen to every

detail of every meal u and the old gringos ate for $2.99

and i’m saving dollars for the call  as they usually run me

a double dix

 

Marty when you gonna come back?  i grow weary of being

poltergeisted   of vague heart orbs on my wall💔  + the repeating

4’s you flashed on our brother’s clock  as he lit his memorial candle

commemorating your disappearance    4 4    ever ??

 

i know you rail against the title of my next book: Then There Were 3

NO!  we will never be 3    why don’t u ever listen to me?   your

refrain in our final spat   cause me and said brother  took the wrong

train to your deathbed   with vim+ rigour vigour u screamed

 

You 2 never listen to me!   i told u which train   this as u grabbed our

cabby by his throat  +squeezed   Jesus +Marty  just come back      please

i’m starting to lose my teeth  and if u wait much longer  u may not recognize me

__

 

In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread,

till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast

thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt

thou return. (Genesis 3:19)

 

 

 

 

Fall 2019  ..first anniversary of your death.. and all the ubersensitive out there say:

it’s gonna get easier   and:  there are worse things than losing yer teeth.. !

 

..go away..

no barbarians at the door?

now what?

 

i don’t need your balm

your stinkin salve

your pallid comfort

 

in the absence of

chaos

loss

and cancerdocbarbarians

 

who am i?

 

slinker in parks

once stalked by a mad cousin

 

now weathervane jesus

portends a prairie resurrection

 

of metis mother-in-law

who will rise with the next

gibbous moon

__

 

it is night and the barbarians haven’t come

some people say that there aren’t anymore

barbarians   what will we do without them?

(Waiting for the Barbarians  C.P. Cavafy)

 

 

 

 

Fall  2019

 

 

hopesprings

oldmandown  in the lobby today  a regular

occurrence  in this place  residence of the

elders  and scores of redshirted women

from the philippines

 

a stones throw from the ravine  where our

family dreamed our bollywood dreams  not

squeakyclean   bootleggers   horsetraders

pirates of the london bridge  now in arizona

 

we also have a piece of land for y’all in florida

next to a reticulated python preserve  said the

spider to the mark fly  but no need to cry for us

argentina    the republic of atkins is strong

 

like bull

like kryptonite      (evil lex atkins brought us the patent in 69)

like we don’t stop

for nobody

__

 

 

FALL 2019   ..it’s coming on winter..

follow your cbd

 

was a time when bliss was free  and we

were joseph cambelled  up the ying

following bliss was de rigueur  but the

no exit signs made it treacherous

 

if u lived in bliss  wouldn’t that be akin

to  infancy  lunacy  headfuckery   this

search for happiness has got to  STOP 

 

soma didn’t work so well in huxley   the

brave new world   a place where   the one

un soma-ed man  the savage   hangs himself

 

is  cbd  the new soma?  how badly do u wanna

be sedated?  be all stepford wife with dead eyes?

husband #3 keeps asking me: what’s your limit?

 

the simple answer is:

the night weasels do not know from limits

__

 

 

Fall 2019  ..bring on 5779 bitches..

*the only beings whose life is irremediably and achingly linked to happiness

all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is

unhappy in its own way   so said leo tolstoy  in anna k

 

happiness   shiny   rosy   boring   fleeting

were we one?   yes   as long as we kept

our parent’s demons in separate rooms

 

our brother’s outsized wound   revisited on

the son  who has 2 sons  +will be searching

for his father in their eyes  under beds  on giant

waves  which do not wash away  the original sin

 

we were never boring!  ignoring all the signs that

one day we’d be pressed together in hallways  fathers

dying on gurneys   but also in dining rooms going through

motions   we think:  this is what happy families do

 

but the porch light is out  maybe we’re in the wrong house

who are these happyfuckers who vaguely resemble me?  

 

we are a richly textured  unhappyfamily   who once went on a

holiday  and a small turd floated above a swimming brother

on lake nipissing

__

 

 

Fall 2019

*(Giorgio Agamben, Moyen sans fins)

the ghost of marty joad

in a hospital    again

just a little posttraumaticstress

last time grim reaper  reaping

my bro

 

but u know  today is the first day

of year 5779   and it is time to let go

of the no way home show  because

 

the only way home is through  the

martycrucible   so today he is right

beside me   smiling and telling me stories

 

about  everysinglefuckingperson  he ever

met  and i am ecstatic!   healed   risen

and ready to be first

__

 

 

 

Waiting for when the last shall be first

and the first shall be last

In a cardboard box ‘neath the underpass

got a one-way ticket to the promised land

(Bruce Springsteen  Ghost of Tom Joad)

 

Fall 2019  ..bye..florida hellholes..

 

scar tissue

 

my mother bears the jaggedscar with grace?

she always said: i was too stupid to be bothered  shattered

so i was   in her place   with a scar that has informed my life

 

also taught: it hurts to be pretty

 

prosthesis prometheus bound  it’s the giant beautybird pecking

at girllivers   and the livers regenerate daily   like our doubts   but

one day soon i will lift my mother’s scar off of my chest

 

+jump a train from a bridge    (yes i can)  

+set a bonfire of $3000 worth  of MAC  love me 💄  red

the chemicals could kill the dolphins  i aim to befriend 💋

 

disfigured transformed reborn

__

 

 

 

Fall 2019  ..for kelly bourne atkins .. run with it sister!..

 

 

where my brother is not

in a body

in a bed

in a rancid hospice

 

in an oven  (careful what u ask for)

 

sitting beside me with that goofy smile

sitting beside me fuming ‘cause:

 

YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME APE!

 

which was kind of true

but I’m listening now

 

 

 

to crickets

__

 

 

FALL 2019          ..come back..

 

 

 

 

great magical city of the gandharves

a giant named ray

read whitman

at the edge

big sur   circa   1987

 

dragged home to freezing city

+bathurst st. moribundis   road to

hell  paved with bagels+flaccidjews

 

bros sent a chopper to SF   worried

about  strange agitators of the heart

+ the shrink feeding california dreamers

medical LSD

 

today a pitstop for fish+chips  with old

mother  then to airport   I’ll be in taos

by morn

 

NOT

__

 

yet..

 

 

 

 

 

FALL 2019  ..letting go of the rope tied to the giant rock..

 

i’m lost among the strange agitators of the heart

we centre it all by swigging from the bottle  sobbing

through the fucking bed cribs  (San Francisco  Jay Farrar)

 

 

rhinestone cowgirl

open road

 

1st book peppered with

going home

as if

 

recent events bring fresh

evidence  of road closures

+mudslides  mexicancartelhell

 

(thank god bro didn’t die in mexico)

 

final 3rd

need dynamite to blast thru

other people’s fantasies  of what

i should be  a Phd?    boring!  

a man?   already am   sort of

 

their bullshitpits  filled with their

father’s sins  glorified  sanctified

turning him into  saintmew   a pet

name

 

dynamite  for  blood

coagulated chains

__

 

there’s been a load of comprimisin

on the road to my horizon  but i’m

gonna be where the lights are shinin

on me    (Rhinestone Cowboy ) 

 

 

 

Fall  2019

 

 

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