songanddancegirl

love is a dog from hell stolen from charles bukowski

Ryan O’Neal has died  stirring up memories of  Love Story

+never having to say you’re sorry  though you constantly

do   ad nauseam   (ok already  im fucking sorry!)

my 14 yr. old bestie and i went to the film  with boyfriends

in tow  hers a pothead named Stu  mine a future heroin addict

named Larry   (+yes pot is a gateway drug)

i tried to cry  i really did   i mean it was kind of sad  but real life

a lot sadder already   Joni bawled  i faked it  (!)  precursor to fake

orgasms     ah ah ahhhhhhhhhh    splat💥

ie., let’s get this over with bub so i can watch paint dry

the french call orgasm  la petite mort  are we not creatures toward death?

so i suppose watching films about gorgeous cancered women  prepares

you for cancer in your gorgeous mother  her 2 besties   etc.  etc.

and  the little death  prepares you for  le grande mort   the one where

it all fades to black   except you don’t come back    oh the dimming

of consciousness     oh the dying of the light

i would rather be anything  but a conscious manimal   subject to the

vicissitudes   to the torture of the opposites   lovehate  lifedeath   and

i certainly wasn’t made for these times  the kitsch abyss  of Taylor Swift

Person of The Fuckingyear  Queen of Woke Jokers  everywhere   not chosen:

peace activists  Vivian Silver  RIP   butchered in her home by Hamas   nor

Narges Mohammadi    winner of the Nobel Peace Prize

now in a prison  in Iran  regularly lashed  +god knows what other indignities

it is a well known fact   in Iran  women are regularly subjected to  *bodycavity

searches  on the street   by the not so secret police

(*see Reading Lolita in Tehran  Azar Nafisi  2003)

this while Tay Tay fakes orgasms  with Trav   her current fake  boytoy   +

the woke haters at *Harvard  bare their fangs at Jewish students  who want

to be free of  genocidal bullying  as they walk to class   imagine that!

(*8 U.S. presidents have graduated from Harvard  bastion of wealth+power)

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Winter 2023       ..SHAME..

heaven’s babe-alas

was it a good place to grow up?  some of it was good

some of it was tragic   it made me who i am  +who i

am not

yesterday i sat in the kitchen  9yrs. old  +watched the

original glam manor babes  at cards   mum smoking

Players   Mary Quant blue eyeliner   auburn haired

a sleekbabe  42  4 kids  husband  knight errant  these were

difficult 1950’s marriages   said Mrs. Swartz    the newest

resident in heaven   RIP

husbands husky   smoking unfiltered cigs   some mary jane

for pops   they were gruff   rough+tuff   working class men

arteries hard    souls in foxholes

a few started to make some coin  slugging watermelons

repo’d appliances   now race horses  wives in diamonds

convertibles   Courrèges leather jackets

the divas  casting pearls before swine  11 kids between them

2  cancer-wasted early on  mother survived her bout  +nearly

lived forever

there sat the OG’s   laughing  gossip  +kibbitz   i thought they were

queens   queens of the stone-age  now under daisies   or in mother’s

case   scorched grass   (don’t ask)

but there at the ghostly table  they are gorgeous  wicked  lustybitches

exactly what i wanted to be   i felt a cool kiss blown at my cheek  mum?

mum?   i saw the glory   the rough husbands   the broken dreams

the babes wave away my pity   you’re too young to understand   we

love/hate our husbands   wash their boxers   adore their children   +

accept our fate    the root word of passion   is suffering

you who meditate  3x a day  + need an american millionaire  to teach

you  how to be free!   where else you gonna be?  but   HERE  NOW  

you darling dummkopf daughter

__

..i feel sorry for you.. you have too much education..

it makes you crazy..  (mother at 98)

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Winter 2023  ..Be Here Now! ..Ram Dass.. American Spiritual Guru.. you’re fired!

(..and the root word of angina is..anger..)

on being a linda blair doppelgänger

have you ever had an aura?  maybe in the middle of a migraine?

your left eye becomes the eye of a large cat  your peripheral vision

wraps around  the side of your head

it’s like someone has slit open  your eye   you fall into a fugue state

you are home alone  and 60  you dont know where your parents are

father on his heavenly horse  mother wasting away in a retirement rez

surrounded by  prickfaces   today i waited 2 hrs to speak to a nasty

neuroscientist  dressed in boiled wool  she often looks me up+down

and she is pinched   like the nerves in my cervical spine

today she doesn’t even ungrace me with her presence   she sends a

resident  who keeps asking: are you sure you don’t want to talk to the

doctor?   she clearly wants to go home  feed her fish   unplug her toilet

of course i don’t want to speak to the fucking boiled wool doctor!

migraines began the day i moved mother in with said  prickpeople  

who were:  nasty  unhappy  dying  +drool   intense pain ripping through

nose  cheek  +wildeyebrow

a  4 day migraine  began with mother’s last breath  after a 15 hr. knell

they disappeared   miraculous +suspicious   after her submerge   so

were they a possession?   a regression?   a depression?

or an alien mothership trip?   ie., take me to your wombtomb

the resident’s  hello hello  are you still there?   jolts me back   NO   i don’t

need a doctor   i need an exorcism   time to cut the linda blair crap    no more

peeing on the floor  fuckingjesus  backflips down the stairs  it’s time to buck up  bitch

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Winter 2023    ..grant me a wild wicked old woman’s frenzy.. W.B. Yeats/AAC

please use your tunnel voices or we will shoot your dog

the children are emerging  speaking in whispered tongues

a psychiatrist says: they look like shadows of children  many

now elective mutes

this is what happens when children are trophies  and there

is a trophy jewbaby  down there still  he seems to have gone

missing  in the midst of   the missing

perhaps they will release him  for 2000 young terrorists in training

many carrying  knives  rocks   the suicided young martyrs   now

bombing heaven     raised on hate   body parts cling  to the Wailing Wall

while back in Canada  6 yr old Dontay Lewis  dies of severe blunt force

head trauma +months of horrific abuse  at hands of mother +step-father

4 months after his return from foster care

NOT  in captivity  Not  in a terrorist tunnel  but in plain sight  in his home

in B.C.  who among you believes  the urge to abuse +murder children in

adult humans of all persuasions  clergy included   needs more investigation?

at base  are we mad?

going mad?

always been mad?

is it a power thing?

a might is right thing?

or is it just the plain depravity  of the hate gene?

TBD

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Winter 20203

crossfire hurricane

that’s what grief feels like  also it feels like death

over+over+over    until you couldn’t die if you tried

don’t you have to be alive  to die?

but then imperceptibly +creeping   life returns  or

is this  pretend alive?  like when you played dead

so nazis  couldn’t find you  +run you through

bayonets loved jews  especially babyjews  this is true

but i’ll stop here  and tell you about my efforts to

resurrect      (+please do feign excitement)

i took pictures in these pandemic years  which were also

the last years of my mother’s life  unbeknownst  but not

to her   she always knew she’d never make it out

so the pictures of  her shoes  +mine  +yours  reverberate

with captivity  +moans   but no one wants to show the shoes

because  no one wants to remember

let’s all pretend

it never  happened

except i remain the cursed Cassandra   for 3 fucking yrs.

i grew quiet  through covid-drudgery  i trudged  in misery

masked lone ranger

7 vaccines later  you hardly remember the encavement

how quiet you were in company   what an effort it was

to care  about  any thing   so you cared about  no thing

except how quickly you could return  to your lair  out of

the cave now   sometimes you want back in   2 wars

have now erupted

children of freshly dead parents  are brought out of tunnels

to greet the bright new day   soldiers are given orders: don’t

touch the children   and do call them sweetheart 

as you break

the orphan-news

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Winter  2023   ..here’s lookin at u sweetheart..

your boot leather never lies

trudge  run  limp  skip  slip   step in purebred hipster dogshit

or take off eh!  à la Air Jordans  in another age (?)  see piles of shoes

left behind   Europe  1940’s   occupants occupied

en masse   in mass graves

you can come get your shoes

after a quick shower

shoes take us into the world  footwear of  war  peace  balls  barrios

symbols of power+pain  think of footbinding  in China  women hobbled

also stiletto-ed   in Gucci + Loubitins   for $3,000

currently i shop around a show of shoes   photos from these covidtimes  cut off

at the knees  foot soldiers of mean streets  when allowed out   in their confinement

shoes sit in hallways  shiny  obsolete   former occupants  slow panic  hidden mayhem

all dressed up + no wear to go

these boots were made for

social distancing  you  alone

feet bound by  concerned governments  don’t die worker bees!  you cannot flee

old mum+me ordered not to touch  skin transmits disease  a sin against dignity

we hid from the shouters:  they just touched!  

and touched toes in small

private rebellions  of

masked misery

i also kept father’s blue on blue  deck shoes  my last father’s day gift  they clunk

around in the night  as he looks for  food  cigs  his big dog Mike   +some jazz

desperately wanting out   of closet-captivity

daddy’s shoes sit next to my Muglers

from wedding #3   they shout+cackle

re: a marriage  made in heaven💃🏻

__

..what do you call what they do to those men in prison?  she asked..

solitary confinement   …fuck the government overlords..

Winter 2023     …who you calling free?..

freida in the sky with diamonds towering over our heads

how do you recover from fate?  the lifelong stigmata

bleeding into your destiny?  fuckfamilycurses  before

they  fuckyou

jettison the tyrant?  is that even possible? flip his tombstone

the bird?  repetition compulsion  cut off at the knees  please

shred your saviour complex   and what would you be?

empty  free  alone  with lots of time on your hands  beatsblood

today was her dyingday   15 hrs she lay  BIGBRASSBED  where

he died 35 yrs ago   a good bed as any to die in  with her my fate

evaporates

groomed for a higher prostitution  BANG went her life  at the end

of mine  there she’ll be  waiting for me  in black taffeta  red chignon

and plotnik diamond eyes

__

..if you want the plotnik diamond you have to take plotnik  ape..

Fall 2023   ..fuckplotnik..RIP Mummybird 🦅

Cemetery Queen of Our Hearts ♥️ buried..

now free..

when the god particle went missing

it’s Halloween  and i walk between crusty dogshit

gremlins  +a giant Pikachu   who?

childclient: therapist why doesn’t Pikachu have privates?

therapist: he doesn’t? well use your imagination! You know

like with Barbie+Ken

childclient: my father had privates +hurt me with them

it’s Halloween  +as I sit in a hipsterjoint  haunted by hipster

ghosts  ie., Schopenhauer Rimbaud  Søren+Sartre   I keep seeing

creatures in my peripheral  small+goblin  swearing under rankbreath

fuck u humans  for the most part u have  no imagination  no numinous

no more burningbushes  unless we count forestfires  even burningman

washed out by floods this year   biblical plagues  without the afterrainbow

Noah kidnapped   Gods genocided  along with  Jews  Tutsis  Armenians

+Indigenous peoples   everywhere    the 2 Johns with bullets in heads  etc..

childclient: my father didn’t have  “problems”  he knew what he was doing

therapist: you’re right  he didn’t have problems  he hurt you   because he

wanted to     selfishbastard     pig       or was he raped at 7?

way up on the mountaintop  a dying God said to Abe  to priests  to nuns  et al.

hey you killed me enough sons !   you got some sick motherfuckers down there

y’all better run

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Fall 2023

so limitless and free you are?

how fatefucked are you?

how fatefucked was your mother?

fatefucked: when you believe your past  ie.,

history family heredity debauchery  chérie

are your   TRUTHS

when your identity  is your mother’s identity

your father’s  your ancestor’s   some of it is  of course

you trajectoried from those shores

now jettison+spent  on a new shore  of creakyjoints+jukejoints

+ a sucking lethargy   i want sex+candy  boots  crocheted pins

money   a curated soul-hellhole

what you always feared the most  unbeknownst  was your freedom

+now that it’s here  you lay around in  jewelled buttons  bows  and

a crowsfeet smirk

freedom cannot hold a candle to   Mrs. Death

the greatest of mysteries  now with your mother’s face

now  your father’s   et al.     so fuckfate

morphine is your friend

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October 25, 2023

son of a gun we gonna have some fun on da bayou

lastnight Lucinda Williams concert  TO  (Lu: i had a stroke..what u gonna do?)

do? !!  a three hour rant  southern gothic+raconteur  wailing geetars  a cello too

for a sea of seniors   wasted  with hungry eyes

Lu cries for lost lovers  and her mama   me too   more suicides than u can shake

a stick at   Boo Radley in the wings   chanting   a man with a kindish face beside me

in peripheral his vampire incisors  glinting

by the concert’s end  somehow my right hand  in his lap  he doesn’t seem to mind

now his lips  on my jug  (ular)     oh me oh my oh !

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Fall 2023  ..Go Lucie Go!!..