songanddancegirl

crossfire hurricane

that’s what grief feels like  also it feels like death

over+over+over    until you couldn’t die if you tried

don’t you have to be alive  to die?

but then imperceptibly +creeping   life returns  or

is this  pretend alive?  like when you played dead

so nazis  couldn’t find you  +run you through

bayonets loved jews  especially babyjews  this is true

but i’ll stop here  and tell you about my efforts to

resurrect      (+please do feign excitement)

i took pictures in these pandemic years  which were also

the last years of my mother’s life  unbeknownst  but not

to her   she always knew she’d never make it out

so the pictures of  her shoes  +mine  +yours  reverberate

with captivity  +moans   but no one wants to show the shoes

because  no one wants to remember

let’s all pretend

it never  happened

except i remain the cursed Cassandra   for 3 fucking yrs.

i grew quiet  through covid-drudgery  i trudged  in misery

masked lone ranger

7 vaccines later  you hardly remember the encavement

how quiet you were in company   what an effort it was

to care  about  any thing   so you cared about  no thing

except how quickly you could return  to your lair  out of

the cave now   sometimes you want back in   2 wars

have now erupted

children of freshly dead parents  are brought out of tunnels

to greet the bright new day   soldiers are given orders: don’t

touch the children   and do call them sweetheart 

as you break

the orphan-news

__

Winter  2023   ..here’s lookin at u sweetheart..

your boot leather never lies

trudge  run  limp  skip  slip   step in purebred hipster dogshit

or take off eh!  à la Air Jordans  in another age (?)  see piles of shoes

left behind   Europe  1940’s   occupants occupied

en masse   in mass graves

you can come get your shoes

after a quick shower

shoes take us into the world  footwear of  war  peace  balls  barrios

symbols of power+pain  think of footbinding  in China  women hobbled

also stiletto-ed   in Gucci + Loubitins   for $3,000

currently i shop around a show of shoes   photos from these covidtimes  cut off

at the knees  foot soldiers of mean streets  when allowed out   in their confinement

shoes sit in hallways  shiny  obsolete   former occupants  slow panic  hidden mayhem

all dressed up + no wear to go

these boots were made for

social distancing  you  alone

feet bound by  concerned governments  don’t die worker bees!  you cannot flee

old mum+me ordered not to touch  skin transmits disease  a sin against dignity

we hid from the shouters:  they just touched!  

and touched toes in small

private rebellions  of

masked misery

i also kept father’s blue on blue  deck shoes  my last father’s day gift  they clunk

around in the night  as he looks for  food  cigs  his big dog Mike   +some jazz

desperately wanting out   of closet-captivity

daddy’s shoes sit next to my Muglers

from wedding #3   they shout+cackle

re: a marriage  made in heaven💃🏻

__

..what do you call what they do to those men in prison?  she asked..

solitary confinement   …fuck the government overlords..

Winter 2023     …who you calling free?..

freida in the sky with diamonds towering over our heads

how do you recover from fate?  the lifelong stigmata

bleeding into your destiny?  fuckfamilycurses  before

they  fuckyou

jettison the tyrant?  is that even possible? flip his tombstone

the bird?  repetition compulsion  cut off at the knees  please

shred your saviour complex   and what would you be?

empty  free  alone  with lots of time on your hands  beatsblood

today was her dyingday   15 hrs she lay  BIGBRASSBED  where

he died 35 yrs ago   a good bed as any to die in  with her my fate

evaporates

groomed for a higher prostitution  BANG went her life  at the end

of mine  there she’ll be  waiting for me  in black taffeta  red chignon

and plotnik diamond eyes

__

..if you want the plotnik diamond you have to take plotnik  ape..

Fall 2023   ..fuckplotnik..RIP Mummybird 🦅

Cemetery Queen of Our Hearts ♥️ buried..

now free..

when the god particle went missing

it’s Halloween  and i walk between crusty dogshit

gremlins  +a giant Pikachu   who?

childclient: therapist why doesn’t Pikachu have privates?

therapist: he doesn’t? well use your imagination! You know

like with Barbie+Ken

childclient: my father had privates +hurt me with them

it’s Halloween  +as I sit in a hipsterjoint  haunted by hipster

ghosts  ie., Schopenhauer Rimbaud  Søren+Sartre   I keep seeing

creatures in my peripheral  small+goblin  swearing under rankbreath

fuck u humans  for the most part u have  no imagination  no numinous

no more burningbushes  unless we count forestfires  even burningman

washed out by floods this year   biblical plagues  without the afterrainbow

Noah kidnapped   Gods genocided  along with  Jews  Tutsis  Armenians

+Indigenous peoples   everywhere    the 2 Johns with bullets in heads  etc..

childclient: my father didn’t have  “problems”  he knew what he was doing

therapist: you’re right  he didn’t have problems  he hurt you   because he

wanted to     selfishbastard     pig       or was he raped at 7?

way up on the mountaintop  a dying God said to Abe  to priests  to nuns  et al.

hey you killed me enough sons !   you got some sick motherfuckers down there

y’all better run

__

Fall 2023

so limitless and free you are?

how fatefucked are you?

how fatefucked was your mother?

fatefucked: when you believe your past  ie.,

history family heredity debauchery  chérie

are your   TRUTHS

when your identity  is your mother’s identity

your father’s  your ancestor’s   some of it is  of course

you trajectoried from those shores

now jettison+spent  on a new shore  of creakyjoints+jukejoints

+ a sucking lethargy   i want sex+candy  boots  crocheted pins

money   a curated soul-hellhole

what you always feared the most  unbeknownst  was your freedom

+now that it’s here  you lay around in  jewelled buttons  bows  and

a crowsfeet smirk

freedom cannot hold a candle to   Mrs. Death

the greatest of mysteries  now with your mother’s face

now  your father’s   et al.     so fuckfate

morphine is your friend

__

October 25, 2023

son of a gun we gonna have some fun on da bayou

lastnight Lucinda Williams concert  TO  (Lu: i had a stroke..what u gonna do?)

do? !!  a three hour rant  southern gothic+raconteur  wailing geetars  a cello too

for a sea of seniors   wasted  with hungry eyes

Lu cries for lost lovers  and her mama   me too   more suicides than u can shake

a stick at   Boo Radley in the wings   chanting   a man with a kindish face beside me

in peripheral his vampire incisors  glinting

by the concert’s end  somehow my right hand  in his lap  he doesn’t seem to mind

now his lips  on my jug  (ular)     oh me oh my oh !

__

Fall 2023  ..Go Lucie Go!!..

smells like quaint

yet another trip to quaint nirvana   this one

with 3 barber shops on main  does the hair of

the old grow faster  as in  the final seed crop?

grizzled seniors walk the line  many shuffle

or do the soft-shoe   tomorrow in walkers

dance pigs

i sit rockabilly+pantless  on a crisp fall day   locals

gawk   legs still bronzey from last winter’s vay cay

what am i looking for?

a good Mexican restaurant  culture to burn  an old

well hung poet  who gives good pillow talk   husband says

these men generally stink  ie., see Steve Earle  my last side hustle

i’m also looking for my old mother  escorted away last November

is there a side door out?  where all your dreams wait pristine  with

your dead   who dance as you come through    festering+genuflect

bye bitches

__

…will you look at the sky pig…behind this veil of gentleness+peace

night is charging +will burst upon us…pop!…that’s how it is on this

bitch of an earth…   (Pozzo  Waiting for Godot   Samuel Beckett)

__

Fall  2023   ..i grow weary of this motif.. (Sam B.+me)

if it walks like a *pogrom…

Nazis were fond of using bayonets on Jewish babies  thrown

into the air   Hammazis use large swords  decapitation their

specialty  at one kibbutz alone  40 babies  litter the floor

what more do we really need to say about the propensity for

sadism  in the clothed ape?  and what of innocence?  mostly

treated as an entry point for pedophiles  +the endgame for   babyhunters

(we refer you to altar boys+girls  +infanticide)

as well  we are the only species  to spawn serial killers  likely

enough said   human atrocities span all epochs  this may be the

one case where throwing the baby out with the bathwater  is called for

and likely the first item on the to do list of our soon to be   AI overlords

clothing the naked ape  did not make a dent in the thinnest veneer of

civilization   if you really want to stand with Jews   don a yellow star

__

(on your back too ..as the Nazis made the Jews do ..so they can identify

you ..should you run)

__

First weeks of  year 5784

*pogrom: an organized massacre of helpless people; 

specifically a massacre of Jews (Miriam Webster)

the un-peace train

last time on a train   i was holding your hand  always did

you were afraid  of most things  so i couldn’t be  of anything

except maybe  you

now alone  of the alone of the alone  barely resurrect  after your

last breath   trip in pope funeralmobile to cemetery    people

peering    what’s she wearing?  no not you    me!

wailed wolfen   now lonest-wolf   fuck off gawkers  hangers on

diddlers   2 hawks starboard  bigger than the ones  who came

for you

a caricature   oldpoetwoman on a train  in lulu+deconstructed

converse  bullybully   Frida Kahlo bag too   matches  GRL PWR

Frida tee    Frida rolling    holy  footsmashed+gangrene

i’m looking for a replacement  to stand in my stead   walk my streets

sit with pervs in park   daily   while i escape to quaint   with hacking

cough    +nervous covidstares everywhere

but hey  i made it onto the peace train  ohhhh ohhhh the peace train

hair elvis bouffant   escape my asssss    as you laugh  that all knowing

laugh     which sounds like a cross between

i told you so   and

if i had your looks+brains

i’d have married

a gazillionaire 💃🏻

__

Fall 2023  ..not the original vagabond..nor an unwashed phenomenon..you’re thinking of Zimmerman..

freedom tastes like reality

another close call  as in  within inches of my life

this time an umbrella helicoptering  in a freak gust

of wind

we’re talking inches people  ditto the rock  (not him!)

near miss  last Saturday  annihilation squandered

yet again

on my way toward  the umbrella   strangely thinking

about a story  my newly dead mother told me  repeatedly

happened while she strutted down  an NYC street  circa 1943

pushed out of path  of a runaway tire  at 19  lived another  79 yrs

(now that’s mazel!)  some here too  yesterday lost a sparklyblue

sapphire bracelet    Swarovski

fall leaves everywhere  a blue elasticband  near severed head of

chickadee   i trod on+on  again fabulous mom’s words  ringing

it should be the most important thing you ever lose 

said re: wallets glasses pens virginity

the mist lifted  +there near purebreddoggie diarrhea  the bracelet

all dungbeetle+glinting   on the walk home reflecting  on her losses

the most important things    ever to lose

children breast husband homes parents sisters friends joie de vivre

she died naturally  mild infection sunrise jazz    +as i face a brand

new year  5784  with the freedom of being freshly orphaned   i sense

that she is  THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I HAVE EVER LOST

along with the last shreds of my immortality   i remember too  her

bottomless grief   for her mother   ditto me   bottomless  motherless

and free  ?

__

get married have kids come for dinner come for holidays cook clean cook

don’t go to school  be a slave  take the yoke   smile darn ya  smile

New Year  Fall 2023  ..now what?..