songanddancegirl

love

fuck

love

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winter 2019

hana’s suitcase+marty’s baggie

i’ve been thinking about the holocaust lately   a little more

than usual    wondering how people survived   and went

on with their lives after so much  brutality  depravity  genocide

it was not easy

in paper today  obit for george brady  90   hana’s brother  hana of

hana’s suitcase fame  murdered upon her arrival  alone at auschwitz

in the gas chamber  at 11   jiri (george)  her bro said: my sister had

gone to her death alone   i felt responsible   i was free but she was

dead

hana had a suitcase filled with her 11 yr old treasures   it’s famous

my bro had a plastic baggie (cell phone  wallet  watch  football ring)

which i am immortalizing here   he died of cancer  not genocide  but

isn’t cancer a kind of nazi?

ok remaining bros  you can stop rolling your eyes  i know you want me

to rise up   and turn a page

maybe one day   but right now i am stuck with feeling proud that i

shouted at a callous hospice nurse   she was shrieking at me to leave

the room  as my bro was dying of brainmangle   i was in florida  so i

stood my ground   if my brother is going to die now  he won’t die alone

so i watched

and now i’m thinking of jiri and hana  reunited  +running toward each other

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hana’s suitcase   auschwitz museum

Winter 2019   ..marty’s baggie did not survive the war..

what family has no fool no felon no fisherman no real estate agent?

in mine there are 4 real estate agents   i probably

would have made a good one   except i don’t like

people enough   unless i am saving them   from

themselves

but i retired from the saving biz   at first i cried at

grocery stores a lot   altruisticmystic days over   a

new world with uncharted constellations  like mensa

musca  +marty   all in the southern hemisphere

imagine looking up at a brand new sky   dipperless

brotherless   no signposts  like those newghosts  gingerly

haunting sisters   reeking their newghost reek   earth +

burnt toast   formaldehyde +god

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Winter 2019

ultrasoundblues

technician looked 13

squeakyclean

voice to match

think woody’s manhattan

i ask: how do my ovaries look?

(i know  too much info  bros stop reading now)

your ovaries?

yes  myfuckingovaries!

you don’t have ovaries    anymore

thunderous silence

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Winter 2019

eyes wide open

in last night’s dream you opened your eyes  several

times  dead brother  this morning my shower light

flickered  i know it’s you martine  another bro has

assured me of weird electrical occurrences  i.e..,

poltergeists and dead relatives making contact

some people think i have gone starkers  but i no

longer care  dead philip roth said: old age is a massacre

i agree but in a good way  shredding wondergirl ego

so that eviscerated-crone  can breathe   +shout obscenities

at her dentist

o the freedom   the freedom

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Winter 2019

on my back’s a 60 lb stone

i think that love is an amazing  vehicle   transports

you across eons   as in: i know where to find lee +

marty   one on a white horse with wings   the other

faking a pass  +running fast and hard   running away

from a future that spells death   by tonguebite    by

livermangle

but ultimately love is the rising   step right up!  ’cause

these 2 cowboys are still here   i just don’t have their

addresses anymore   brother can you spare  the

plane fare to buttfuck?

i’m on my way

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Winter 2019

theseboots

scurrying on frozen streets to healthy place where

rich girls growl  and quinoa is the price of cocaine

one young lady  berated another customer loudly

i’m not sure how healthy these people really are   i

do know that they are meangreen  mostly lean  with

permasnarls   i was not popular  though several older

male adults   drooled over my pinkboots

one all slackjawed+audacious  asked:  you working?  

as he rubbed his jerked kale against me

hey  it’s january

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Winter 2019

the dog days are over?

happiness

camus says sisyphus was happy!  pushing that giant rock

hell is other people and their theories on  happiness   but

you can trust me  as i have been studying the concept for

6+ decades

happiness

is the biggest fraud  since change became all the rage

ephemeral at best  and change?  you know it doesn’t exist

take ultima thule  our newest 700 billion dollar object d’ space

(has anyone in the space race even heard of cancer research?)

this oblong icy hunk has remained unchanged for 4.5 billion yrs.

and people don’t change   you heard it here  they dig in   and

become more of what they are   C.G. Jung believed this to be

a wondrous thing   individuation   becoming yourself

were it so simple  we would all be our authentic selves  whodreams

upthisshit?   now back to happiness   a cake in the oven  a warm gun

you asked for it  now you can suckonmaudlin  but know  that if happiness

is your goal  you will chase an itchy tail

the putrefacto of the alchemists is where it’s at   those deep cauldrons of

pleasurepain  those cycles of birthdeath  think regeneration  think rainbows

why my ventricles are growing poppies!  a fuckingmiracle  after recent death

watch  astride a treasured brother’s grave    happiness is fraud

resurrection free

and if you believe that  i have some land in florida you can buy for a song  a song!

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Happy 2019

what would bob say?

the most tragic thing about this memory is a bag

a clear hospital issue bag  now filled with his stuff

made meaningless

cancercarnival  you robber of dignity   you archangel

of multiplyingcells  until a man is a mangle of his former

self   draining

in this plastic bag his cellphone  soon to dial a crazed sister

as she tells bored girldoctor  i need benzos for this particular

brand of pain

but what i really want to say is: nothing will ever be the same

despite mounting platitudes to the contrary  and anyway i too

grow weary of this uncheery blahblah

be careful what you ask for remaining bros  who are also weary

i promise the simple wisdom of bob dylan   i promise to love the

quotidian   to be a happy sisyphus   pushing my rock   everything

is broken   everything is blowin in the wind

but what to do with the anger?  root word for angina  and btw where

thefuckismybrother’s plastic baggie?  i rest my case  on this freezing

first day  of the rest of my life   without him   happy 2019 eh

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..only those things should be feared that have power to do us ill,

nothing else, for nothing else is fearful……fuckdeath..

Dante Alighieri  1265-1321  The Inferno 

New Year’s Day 2019

wings you say?

there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity 

to the promises of life…an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness

such as I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely

I shall ever find again..   (The Great Gatsby  F. Scott Fitzgerald  1925)

emptiness  even when one is convinced they are full  and extravagances

leading to collapse  and the cycle starts again   and again    rollo may  and i

contemplate the american dream   a rock pushed uphill   bird pecking at liver

but my bro escaped you know   oh  you weren’t aware of that?  yes he did  i say so

here and forever  loud and clear  HE ESCAPED   unhooked from the liverbird   now

flying high   No  not Icarus   you must be alive to be burned by the sun  in this myth

the son flies just high enough   soars over florida  +mexico   on his way home   these

wings are real   and in this place  there are no false highs   death is like that   maybe

you weren’t aware of that either

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Charles Bukowski  america’s debauched poet

2019  bring it    ..in the end he unhitched the yoke..and he was happy and he was free..